A Journey to Healing and Self Re-Discovery by Mary Grayson Nix

Playing soccer in high school

My name is Mary Grayson Nix, and I grew up in the southern state of Alabama. I’d say that my childhood was great, I went to a great school and had the opportunity to start playing sports at a young age. I started playing sports, namely soccer, when I was 3 years old. I absolutely loved it from day one and I continued playing all the way into my first few years of college. During my time of playing soccer over a span of almost 20 years, I had several sports injuries, several surgeries on my ankles and knees, and give or take 6 concussions. The last and most recent concussion ended my sports career in 2010.

Growing up, soccer was all I ever wanted to play. I would play with my friends any chance I got and I loved going to practice. My brother would get me in the yard to practice with him, always pushing me to be better. Soccer was my life, it was all I knew and the one thing that I was very passionate about. I worked hard to be a great soccer player and I always tried to be a leader on my teams, especially as I got older. Soccer gave me confidence which was a big deal for me. If you knew me back then, you know that in other areas of my life I was a bit more timid and shy. When it came time to be on the field, that’s when I came to life. I always played my heart out and gave it my all on the field. The decision to stop playing this contact sport was not easy but at the time was the smartest decision I could have made because I was having issues with my health after the last head injury.

After head injuries, before things started looking up again.

Concussions are tricky injuries.. When I had surgery on my ankle and the many surgeries on my knee, people could see that I was injured. I was on crutches for a long time and the injury was very visible. Traumatic brain injuries can sometimes be almost invisible. If you looked at me after any of my concussions then you would probably think nothing was wrong because I didn't LOOK injured. I think this was the hardest thing for me to get across to friends, family, and doctors. I did not FEEL right. I knew something was going on but it’s hard to communicate that when you don’t look like you have an injury. My first issue was vestibular. I was having trouble with vertigo and balance. Every time I would move my head it felt like I was on a roller coaster. I was constantly dizzy and nauseous. I went to physical therapy where my therapist did vestibular therapy with me to try and reduce the vertigo. This was a very uncomfortable process and most of the time it would make me even more dizzy and sick. Second, I found it difficult to control my emotions. I was having outbursts of emotions, both positive and negative emotions. It was like I could feel my emotions all the way in my bones and controlling my reactions to these emotions was very difficult, and frustrating for everyone around me. Another issue I was having was with my memory. Taking in new information was difficult because I would almost instantly forget it. There were times when I would wander around parking lots because I could not remember where my car was parked. I would find myself walking different places on my school’s campus and had to all of a sudden stop because I couldn’t remember where I was going. A friend found me sitting against a building one day, curled up into a ball and tears streaming down my face because I forgot where I was going again, and I was very frustrated. Words I would use to describe this time in my life would be: scary, confusing, blurry, foggy, cloudy, and painful. The worst pain came when my family and I decided that it was time to leave school and soccer behind. Immediately following this decision, I moved back home with my family and started seeing all types of doctors. Over the next 7 or so years, I went on a long journey of seeing doctors all over the southeast, being diagnosed and misdiagnosed with different disorders, and being put on all types of mood and mind altering medications.

My family (siblings and parents)

 I should start this next portion by saying that I do not blame anyone for these decisions to send me to these places, and I don’t blame the doctors for giving me these medications. My family was worried about me and they did not know how to help what I was experiencing. I have the most amazing parents and siblings who have been here for me every step of the way, even when it was very difficult to be around me. All they wanted to do was help me feel like myself again and they have always had my best interest at heart. The best they could do at the time was to send me to the “experts”, these doctors that they trusted would know more than they would. I’m sure each and every doctor that I saw WAS trustworthy, but may have been lacking in their knowledge of concussions and head injuries and how to treat them in a more holistic way. At the time, what my family may not have known and what these doctors may not have realized was that I was extremely depressed, anxious, and angry, on top of having some issues due to concussions. I was honestly grieving. I was grieving my “old self”, my time as an athlete and being on a team, and the sport that I loved so much. I was angry that I had to give up the one thing that I love, playing soccer. It was the only thing I cared about, and the only thing I was good at, so what was I to do now? I had worked my entire life to play soccer in college and it was like someone pulled a rug out from under me. I was depressed because I had an identity in athletics, and when that was over I felt like I had lost my best and only friend. I was anxious because I felt like a burden to my family, and I did not know where my life should be headed next. My mind was cloudy and I had no interests or anything I could fall back on. The medications we thought would help seemed to be turning me into a different person, a very unpleasant person to be around. In my experience, these medications that I was put on did nothing but hinder my progress. The amount of medication on top of the mixture of medications really messed with my mind. My family noticed that I was not acting like myself, even if sometimes I felt like I was acting normally. Eventually, I grew very tired of constantly having to go to the pharmacy and have things re-filled. I do believe that medication can be helpful and sometimes necessary, but I made a conscious decision to stop all medication in 2017. It was a difficult process but ever since I have felt more clear headed than I can ever remember feeling. 

At around this same time I started a regular yoga practice at a local yoga studio. I can honestly say that yoga, meditation, and a regular exercise regimen has worked wonders for healing my mind, body, and spirit. Yoga has allowed me to understand my own body, how to notice my thoughts and emotions as they arise, and make better decisions on how to react to things. Most importantly, I have learned to be KIND to MYSELF. I’m not perfect, I still have my moments just like everyone else. I do feel that yoga has completely changed my life, mind, and body after having worked so many years to “figure this head injury thing out”. I don’t think i’ll ever have it figured out, but yoga has allowed me to gain valuable information about myself, about my brain, and how to help my brain. Hindsight is 20/20, and sometimes I wish I would have found yoga sooner. However, the experiences that I had were necessary for me to come to these realizations about myself and to figure out how to move forward in a way that works for me. 

For me, moving forward is about a few things. Self-awareness and positive thinking are two of the first things that I had to work on in my yoga practice. Practicing these two things during yoga eventually translated to how I live off of my yoga mat, and I became a more pleasant person to be around. Resilience was the last thing and most important thing for me to focus on in order to move forward. I never thought I’d be able to let go of what happened in 2010 when I had my most recent head injury. I never thought I could look back on my time playing my favorite sport with a SMILE instead of my eyes welling up with tears and feeling sad. I always thought school would be out after I left the first time, but boy was I wrong. Now that I can finally think clearly, I enrolled as a student at Auburn University in 2018, and have since completed a Bachelor’s degree in Exercise Science. I have loved my second experience in college, and I don’t mind being an older student. It’s actually pretty fun! I have students much younger than me in my cohort, and I have found myself to be a sounding board for many of my classmates. They ask me for all kinds of advice, from exercise recommendations to relationships to what to do with their futures. I LOVE being able to give advice to these students because, at this point in my life, helping others is my biggest passion. I met the love of my life here in Auburn and we will be getting married next Spring! I am now a Graduate student in the School of Kinesiology at Auburn University and after this program is finished I will be working toward a PhD. I have been on the Dean’s list every semester during my time back in school, and currently have a 3.9 GPA. Don’t get me wrong, this took very long hours of studying and going to every extra study session that I could for each class. I have made thousands of notecards, written and rewritten my notes countless times to help myself remember. But I kept pushing and I never gave up. 

During my journey through academics at Auburn I have started working with individuals with disabilities (physical and/or intellectual), as well as others who have experienced TBIs. Since I started school again I have become a 200-hour trained RYT, a NASM personal trainer, and an ACSM Inclusive Fitness Trainer. It took a long time, but I finally found a new passion, something that I can be good at, and something I am truly interested in. I feel that I have once again found my purpose in life, and I think that’s what life is all about. My purpose is what keeps me going every day, makes me excited to get up in the morning and help others feel good about themselves. I would not change anything that happened for me to get to where I am today. I am a different person today, but because of what I went through I feel I am a better version of myself. 

“It does not matter WHAT you go through, it matters more HOW you will respond to the challenges and adversities that will inevitably come your way. ”

Every day is different, some days are better than others. Healing is an ongoing process that I feel will never be “finished”. Healing can also be a learning process. Through this healing and learning process you have the opportunity to learn new things about yourself every single day, if you allow yourself to. The experience that I have had has made me stronger and more resilient in my mind, body, and spirit. Because of the strength and awareness that I have gained, I hope to keep sharing my experience with others and encouraging those who are still looking for their purpose. My encouragement to you is that it does not matter WHAT you go through, it matters more HOW you will respond to the challenges and adversities that will inevitably come your way. Keep cultivating kindness towards others and gratitude for the unique things in your life. Keep going and don’t ever give up, friends!